


Hugs not Drugs

by Frostberry



Category: Naruto
Genre: HIDAN ISNT ON CENTRELINK, KakuHidan, Kakuhida - Freeform, M/M, dickheads but gayer, haha i always set my shit in australia because i can, hidan x kakuzu, its like a dickheads AU but Hidan has the hots for Kakuzu, kakuzu is such an asshole to his paitent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-04-23 22:43:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14342508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostberry/pseuds/Frostberry
Summary: Hidan is an immortal who keeps turning up to the emergency room. He doesn’t usually need to go there because he can patch himself up, but he has the hots for the doctor there, so he turns up anyway. Hidan x Kakuzu





	1. Smoke, Beer and Blood

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SyndellWins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SyndellWins/gifts).



Chapter 1: Smoke, Beer and Blood 

It was three thirty in the morning, the emergency department was quiet. Ino Yamanaka, the emergency department nurse, was sitting at her triage desk, a glass separator was in between her and the seats where unruly patients would usually be, flicking through her snapchat stories and taking duckface selfies to send to Sakura. It was a quiet night, as Wednesdays usually were - until the automatic doors opened. Ino quickly put her phone on her desk and put on a pleasant smile for the incoming patient, who waved at her, Woolsworth bag in hand. 

“Wasss _ ssssssup  _ Ino.” 

He had silver hair long enough to be swept behind his ears and strange pink eyes, and multiple tattoos up his arms. He was wearing the same disgusting hoodie as always, and reeked of smoke, beer, and blood. 

Noticing that he had her attention, the man grinned crazily. Ino saw several cracked teeth, obviously from a fight, and knew exactly who he was.

“Do you ride a motorbike to work, Ino?” Hidan put his Woolworths shopping bag down with a small  _ thunk  _ on the gleaming white counter that separated him and Ino. The bag mushed against the glass pane and Ino paid no attention to it. 

“No…?” 

“Well, Yamanaka is the name of a motorcycle brand isn’t it?” 

“Umm...No.” 

“Haha, whoops? I mean Yamaha. Fuck me I’m dumb. You probably come in one of those corvette convertibles things that you put the roof down when it’s over fifteen degrees…” Hidan trailed off, looking past her to the double doors on the left, where the emergency surgeries took place. ”Never mind. I don’t fucking care about you - Is ‘kuzu around?” 

Ino rolled her eyes.  “Before you even see Doctor Kakuzu, you need to tell me your name, date of birth - and if you have your medicare and health care card-” 

Hidan leaned in close, pressing his nose against the security glass. “Ino, you know all this.” As he spoke, his tongue touched the glass barrier, breath fogging up the crystalline surface.  Ino looked at him blankly, trying not to make an unprofessional face. “No, I see hundreds of people everyday. I really don’t.” 

“I’m like, the regular here.” 

“You’re only the regular here just so you can see Doctor Kakuzu.” Ino pointed out. 

“Aww. Butting into my personal life now? How sweet. You see, Doctor Kakuzu will eventually go on a date with me and there is nothing you can do about it.” 

Ino put a piece of paper on a clipboard and handed it to Hidan. “You need to fill this out and come back to the desk.” 

Hidan looked around the empty seats, and slid the clipboard back under the glass, until it fell down onto her desk and phone. Pens scattered everywhere and rolled at her feet. “Why do I have to fill this out over there?” 

“Fill it out here then.” 

“I can’t.” 

“Why can’t you write?”

“And why can’t you?” 

Hidan pulled up his left sleeve. “I ain’t got a hand.” 

Ino jumped out of her chair, frightened by the stump where Hidan’s left hand and part of his wrist was supposed to be, cleanly cut off with the bone in the middle. Ino cringed at his wild smile and paged Kakuzu, as he was the only doctor available. While waiting for him, Ino quickly typed out the chart for Hidan, using the details on the computer that had been supplied from previous appointments. 

As per usual, Kakuzu turned up wearing  _ sexy as fuck  _ plaid - who the fuck wears plaid these days?  _ And  _ pointy business shoes? But while other professional men with pointy shoes would have looked like fucking Christmas elves, somehow Kakuzu managed to pull it off. Then it was Hidan’s turn to cringe when he found his favourite doctor was wearing a flu mask. 

AGAIN. 

Kakuzu stopped dead in his tracks and glared at his least favorite patient.

“Where’s your sexy white lab coat?” Hidan had this fantasy that when he came into the hospital, Kakuzu would be naked  _ except  _ for the lab coat. “I’m so fucking sad right now.”

“This isn’t  _ Scrubs _ ,” Ino reminded him, finishing off the paperwork. 

“Next time we need a code to tell me when Hidan appears so I  _ don’t  _ have to deal with him,” Kakuzu said directly to Ino, right in front of Hidan. 

“I can hear you.” 

“That’s nice,” said Kakuzu sarcastically. His eyes drifted down to the Woolworths bag Hidan had put against the ledge. 

“My hand’s in here. I’m immortal, but I’m dying at the same time.” Hidan offered as an explanation. He picked out the greying arm from the bag, and stared at his stump interestedly. “Of, uh, blood loss from… amputation?” There was no blood leaking anywhere. 

“If you are ‘immortal’, then why are you here again?” 

“Couldn’t get in at the doctors. There’s a fucking waiting list.” Kakuzu raised his eyebrows and Hidan knew in an instant he was being caught lying. There was a silence for a few seconds while the printer next to Ino’s desk started working. Ino clipped the sheet when it was printed out onto a pink clipboard. 

“I’m an emergency room doctor, not a general practitioner.”

“Same shit, different building.” 

Ino handed over the clipboard to Kakuzu.

“Right. So what is what is actually wrong with you this time?” Kakuzu flipped through the sheet that was given to him. He read out loud.  _ “Patient suffering from transradial amputation of the hand with visible tissue damage to the lower left arm...currently in calm state.”  _

“I’ve lost my needle and thread.” Hidan pulled up the stump of his arm, and took his left grey mangled hand and showed Kakuzu where it needed to be reattached. “Can you reattach pretty please? I need it.” 

“I’m sure you can live without it.” Kakuzu’s eyes lingered on the clean bone cut off from the muscle, but made no comment. 

“My left hand has a tattoo that says ‘JASHIN’ with the J A S H on four fingers then IN on the thumb. You can’t fucking have a tattoo on a piece of plastic shit. Do you know how much tattoos cost? It’s also my wanking hand. You know how hard it is to masturbate using a non-dominant hand -”

“How long has that hand been detached for?” Kakuzu ignored Hidan’s ranting. 

“I dunno… like two days? I went to work and my boss said I should probably go and get it put back on. I don’t need it going in ice or anything. Just needle and thread, not the shit from Lincraft. Like, medical grade shit. It happens all the time, I swear, ‘cause my stupid fucking housemate insists that art is throwing a clay grenade at me while I’m asleep.”  

“If you are immortal, do it yourself.” 

“I’m left handed you fuckwit.” The Rudest And Most Impatient Doctor Ever was just not buying it. Kakuzu beckoned Hidan along to his examination room. Hidan gave Ino a smug look before following him. 

Hidan swung onto the elevated bed, wiggling a little to make the paper cover crease and tear. 

Kakuzu went through a drawer, rummaging around. “This is the third time you’ve been here this week,” he pointed out, “I’m guessing you don’t need a tetanus shot - ah.” He found what he needed. 

Hidan watched intently as Kakuzu picked up a syringe of anesthetic, ripped off the sterilized wrapper and threw it into the hazardous materials bin. Turning towards his least favourite patient, Kakuzu flicked the syringe several times until a droplet appeared at the tip of the needle. “Sakura says you left yesterday after having a disagreement when you came in. I would have, too.” 

Hidan laughed. “You can’t deny me service, I have a wife and two point five children to feed.” 

Kakuzu didn’t reply to that at all, and jammed the syringe into the arm which was currently attached, gradually releasing the clear liquid until it clicked empty. “This is starting to smell. I do not see the point of reattaching a limb which is already rotting. Fortunately for you, I already have seen your healing ability.” 

“Oh so you remember!?” Hidan asked excitedly, thinking back to the time he first met Doctor Kakuzu several months ago. 

“Hmm,” Kakuzu said nonchalantly. “Next time if you want it reattached and I am not here, get Sakura to do it.” 

“I don’t like Sakura,” said Hidan. “She’s no fun at all. Where the fuck were you yesterday?” 

“Negotiating a pay rise.” said Kakuzu bluntly, exasperation bleeding through his flu mask. 

“Doctors make like, billions or some shit. Why do you need a pay rise? In fact, I need a pay rise. Five hours a week gets me nothing at my job.”

Kakuzu almost asked how Hidan could live with such a pitiful income, but paused. He shook his head and changed the subject.

“Has the anesthetic worked yet?” 

Hidan shook his head. “It’ll never fucking work. Just put my arm on. As slowly as you can - bear in mind, not that I want it to hurt, but so I can spend a  _ little  _ bit of time with you.” He wriggled a little bit, smiling flirtatiously. 

Kakuzu made a dismissive noise while he checked his watch.

It was four in the morning, Hidan noticed. No one was good at conversation at four in the morning, right? Especially not his favorite doctor, who was kind of shit at it to begin with. Not that it mattered to Hidan. 

Hidan tried again, now thinking of tactic number two. 

“When are you gonna take that fugly mask off?” _To kiss me_ _and then suck my dick,_ he wanted to add. 

“Never.” Clicking his tongue, Kakuzu grabbed the Woolworths bag and tossed it onto the examination table. He changed gloves and brought a stainless steel cart over, the tools underneath clinking away gently.  “Stay still,” he said, before holding Hidan’s shoulder steady against the table. 

Hidan huffed a little, but obeyed. His mind raced as he tried to think of something interesting to say. 

“I was gonna be a nurse,” said Hidan, who had fluttered his eyes while Kakuzu matched the limb to the arm. 

“Why aren’t you a nurse?” To get a better view, Kakuzu pulled Hidan’s arm and hand onto the cold tray. Hidan shivered as the chill spread up his body. 

“Because you have to be intelligent and shit,” he said, wincing as a needle started to poke through his flesh. His pink eyes stared at the ceiling as he relished the painful touch, courtesy of his favourite doctor. 

“You don’t have to be intelligent to become a nurse,” Kakuzu remembered writing up several nurses who preferred to be on Snapchat instead attending to the patients, including Ino. “Nurses don’t get much money anyway,” he concluded, pulling the thread so tightly that Hidan hissed through his teeth.

“But, you  _ do _ to be able to study without getting into fights with other students, which is fucking hard to do ‘cause all the other stupid students are stupid fucking cunts,” His right fist moved into a ball. The amputated hand twitched as it tried to do the same thing. “Bartending is way easier than going back to school and dealing with those assholes.” He started to blab on about how people are fucking idiots because they disrespected the medical side of his religion. Kakuzu put up a hand to stop him. 

“Fair enough,” he said, recalling all of the idiots who had gone through his emergency room in the past. “Now shut up so that I can work.”

They were silent while while Kakuzu sewed neat little stitches into Hidan’s wrist. 

“So… will you go out with me?” Hidan asked, after what he thought was ten minutes of unresolved sexual tension. Unfortunately this sexual tension must have only been one sided because Kakuzu did not make the lovey dovey eyes at him while he observed his patient’s arm.

Very slowly, Hidan’s hand was brought back to life. His fingers twitched a bit more, and the greying hand slowly turned into a pale pink. Kakuzu’s eyes widened slightly, and Hidan couldn’t tell if he was  _ actually  _ interested in him or just amazed that the hand had started working again. 

Damn that flu mask. 

“Okay, uh… now that I can jack off again… how about that date?”

Kakuzu didn’t reply, but merely got up, took his gloves off and went back to his desk, opening up a manilla folder and Hidan’s eyes looked over to see… 

More paperwork. 

“Your arm is reattached,” said Kakuzu, handing over another clipboard to a unsatisfied Hidan. “Now you can do your own paperwork.” 


	2. My Heart Will Go On

It started several months ago when Deidara dared Hidan jumped off a five story building. In exchange, Deidara promised to pay Hidan’s weekly rent. With negative $3,992 dollars in his bank account from forgetting to go to Working Credit appointments, and blowing all of his part-time income on Hungry Jacks, he decided it was fantastic idea to jump off the top of a downtown pub on a rainy Saturday night. Needless to say, Hidan was not at making decisions requiring financial or common sense.

So, giving Deidara the middle finger, he jumped off the building backwards. The next thing Hidan heard was people screaming and sickening wet thunk as his skull split wide open, most of his bones breaking on impact, giving a sidewalk full of drunk people PTSD forever.

Kakuzu had just walked past that, turned back and declared he was a doctor. Within a few minutes of trying to attend to Hidan’s injuries the wounds had closed, the bones had repaired themselves and the brain splatter had disappeared into the gutters from the rain pouring down and washing it away. Deidara, meanwhile, had ran down the fire escape to Hidan, and began shouting at Kakuzu some stupid shit about Hidan not being able to die so the doctor didn’t need to treat him when he pancaked it.

When Hidan opened his very dizzy eyes, it was love at first sight. Hidan’s neck had bent at an angle so he saw the beautiful green eyes of a doctor who introduced himself to Deidara as Kakuzu. When his neck mended itself, it snapped back into normal position. The doctor looked down at him with confusion, his hands a bloody mess from closing his bursted ribcage. Queue the flute version of Titanic’s  _ My Heart Will Go On.  _

“Hidan’s fine, yeah,” Deidara was saying to the sexy man who was leaning over him. “He’s immortal, he doesn’t need help. This is Doctor Kakuzu, Hidan. He thinks you should be dead, yeah.” 

Then, the first thing that came out of Hidan’s mouth: 

“I think I’m gay.” 

There was a pause from Deidara, who stared at him blankly for several seconds. “...What?” 

“Deidara,” Hidan got up slowly, his repaired fingers holding his head, “Doctor Kakuzu is the hottest thing I’ve ever seen on earth.” 

“I don’t quite understand how in a space of several minutes you are able to get up from flattening yourself on a pavement,” said Kakuzu in what seemed to be the deepest and sexiest voice he had ever heard. “There’s no such thing as immortality.” 

“Keep talking…” Hidan mumbled, pressing his hand against his head. “You’re gonna make me commit sodomy.” 

“I think he just needs some rest, yeah.” Deidara said to Kakuzu, who hadn’t responded to Hidan’s  _ Declaration of Love _ . 

***

The next day, Hidan was lying horizontal on the couch, double chinning as he typed on his old Windows Vista laptop he got five years ago from Cash Converters.“I’m just going on all the websites to see if he has a dating profile…”

“Will you stop with the dating profiles, yeah?” Deidara said. Ever since they started home the night before--walking because they were peasants who could not afford taxis--all Hidan had been doing was talking about Doctor Kakuzu. Kakuzu this, Kakuzu that. Now that he managed to get his old laptop to work, Hidan had got it in his head that it was time to do some ‘legal’ online stalking.

“He has to be fucking somewhere!” Hidan had tried Okcupid, Christian Singles, Oasis, Plenty of Fish, eHarmony, Elite Singles and Doctor Daters. Nothing. On his phone he signed up to both Tinder and Grindr and swiped left on every man that came up that was over forty. “Just… fucking nothing.” 

“He  _ might  _ have a family, yeah…?” said Deidara.  “With a wife and two point five kids. People like that exist, you stupid Priest.” 

Hidan blinked. He forgot that the majority of people fit into this category. 

“He didn’t have a ring.” Hidan remembered, when Kakuzu checked his wrist with two fingers to make sure he was alright. “He looks like the biggest single pringle I have ever seen in my life-”

“Why don’t you just write his name into Google, yeah?” Deidara interrupted.  

“I hadn’t thought about that.” 

For several minutes, he did nothing at all because his laptop was so fucking slow. “You need to get a new laptop, yeah.” 

“With what fucking money!?” Hidan snapped at him, moving his finger back and forth quickly on the touchpad which started to overheat. 

Deidara shrugged. “True.” He leaned over. “So write in variations of Kakuzu, nobody is fucking called Kakuzu. Ever.” 

After writing ‘Kazoo’ ‘Kukusu’ and “Kakuso’, he finally write ‘Kakuzu’ in. “Bingo, my stupid fucking housemate. Man, he’s boring as fuck - one of those doctors with lots of initials at the end. MB BCh… B.A.… PhD…. whatever the fuck any of that alphabet soup means.”

“There’s a picture of him at an art gallery,” said Deidara, looking at the picture of Kakuzu glowering at the photographer from Google images, “YES! HE LIKES ART-” 

“Nobody likes art, you pretentious fuck. They pretend to like it so that these poor artists get money.” 

“Hmm. That mold respirator mask is very sexy,” said Deidara sarcastically, looking at a professional image of Kakuzu on the local hospital website. 

“Here’s his medical profile,” said Hidan, tapping the screen with a bloody fingernail to show Deidara the profile of Kakuzu on the left hand side. “Without the mask. He looks even better without a mask.” 

“He’s still ugly.” 

“Deidara,” said Hidan, seriously. “I am more offended by this shitty statement about My Future Husband more than your lack of faith.” 

***

After Kakuzu had reattached his hand with several dozen stitches, Hidan had gotten in a fight with one of the nurses and was kicked out of the hospital before the sun had risen. He slept all day, then played Fortnite for several hours before going to work at the bar underneath his and Deidara’s apartment.

It was happy hour at Red Dawn. A few regulars were admiring the faint stitching on Hidan’s hand. Hidan was a bartender there, and only got the job because Pein and Konan were his neighbours and owned the building. If it had not been for them, Hidan would never scored a job. After finishing off some artworks, Deidara came downstairs to see how Hidan was doing. 

“Can you write yet, yeah?” Deidara took the pitcher, leaned over to the beer taps and refilled it with Corona for himself. Hidan glanced around for the owners to make sure that they did not see his flatmate scabbing booze. “How’s the hand?” 

“Still a bit stiff.” Hidan looked at his hand and clenched his fist slowly. “Give it another day.” 

“Are you sure you don’t want to volunteer to have your immortality studied at the hospital?” Itachi asked. Itachi was one of the youngest doctors in the area. He knew  _ of _ Kakuzu but not too much, which Hidan found out after interrogating him several months ago. 

“Fuck volunteering.” said Hidan, leaning down and getting a bottle of good quality sake out for Itachi from the fridge. Itachi handed over a blue ten dollar note, and Hidan opened up the register to deposit it. “Lord Jashin does not like his secrets studied by Scientists.” 

“So how is it with Dr. Kakuzu?” Itachi asked. Hidan had seen Doctor Kakuzu approximately seven times after throwing himself off the building on that fateful night. 

“It’s not going too great so far,” said Deidara, who was sitting next to Itachi. “There’s a thin line between legal and illegal stalking and Hidan’s going to cross that line any day, yeah.” 

“Me? Stalking? Never,” Hidan put a heavily stitched hand on his heart. “However, I’ve been doing some research. I’ve been  _ reading. _ ”

“I didn’t know you could read, yeah.” 

“Yep. Harper Collins ‘steamy, romantic adventures’ between sexy nurses and doctors. It has given very lame advice.” 

“What’s the advice?” Itachi asked. 

“Boobs out, lots of daydreaming, steamy bullshit. IT’S FOR WOMEN. Hurr durr, just pretend you aren’t interested! So according to these books, I have to play hard to get! Such bullshit.” 

How Deidara longed to return to the days where Hidan was like ‘Jashin this’ and ‘Jashin that’ and ignoring any attempt at romance that came his way. 

***

“That crazy guy works at Red Dawn,” said Ino to Sakura, when they woke up from their night shift that evening. “The one that has a thing for Kakuzu. Let’s go there.” 

Sakura looked over, legs crossed on the lounge and cringed a little. “The immortal one?” 

“Yeah.” said Ino, typing on her phone and not looking up at her wife. “I may or may not have looked him up on Facebook.” 

“Looking up patients is _ illegal _ , Ino,” Sakura reminded her, while Ino just smirked back in return. 

“First time I’ve ever done it… but like, wouldn’t it be funny if they got together or something? I mean, Kakuzu’s just this grumpy bastard who everyone thinks is funny because he’s sarcastic. But like, this Hidan person is also a bastard. He’s such a dick. It could be like… the Battle of the Bastards!” 

“Seriously, you need to freshen up on your  _ Game of Thrones  _ references,” said Sakura, putting her phone aside to start getting ready for the night. “I’m pretty sure Kakuzu has the night off. He’ll never agree to come with us, so if we ask Kisame, he  _ may  _ come.” 

Ino scrolled through her contacts and rang up Kisame, who, turns out, was going to Red Dawn that night anyway. “Pl _ eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee _ ase make Kakuzu come along!” 

***

Red Dawn was Kakuzu’s old drinking patch. It was formerly known as the Hidden Waterfall. It had since changed owners and was turned into a Japanese-themed club which was quiet compared to the horribly, loud chatter of the surrounding pubs. Out of the blue Kisame had rang up saying he was meeting up with one of the day shift doctors, and asked if Kakuzu wanted to come with him. Kakuzu decided to go so to try to have a conversation, as well as to see if Red Dawn had changed since his medical school days. 

When they arrived, calm flute melodies were playing quietly from the sound speakers, which were hung over a large woodblock print of the Great Wave. Kisame greeted Itachi at the wooden counter where the Uchiha had been waiting, and introduced him to Kakuzu. 

“This is Doctor Kakuzu-” 

There was a clatter of glass and an “Oh  _ FUCK _ !” Kakuzu turned around to the counter and saw nobody. The blond man on the other side of Itachi started laughing. It took a few seconds to pinpoint where he knew the man from - and Kakuzu leaned over the counter to see Hidan crouching by the bar fridge. 

“Heh heh,” Hidan grinned and wiggled his repaired fingers at Kakuzu. “Hello.” 

“Hidan.” said Kakuzu, narrowing his eyes a little. 

“...Yeah, what?”  

“How’s the hand?”

“Still a bit stiff.” 

Kakuzu took a seat next to Kisame, and glanced up at the bartender, who was _ blushing  _ as he averted his eyes. For some reason, something swelled inside Kakuzu’s chest, and it wasn’t the monsters lurking under his skin. 

“It will be for a while.” said Kisame. “Ino and Sakura are running late, they’ll be joining us later.” 

“Good,” said Kakuzu, with his green eyes on Hidan’s pink ones. “I don’t want them to join us.” 

“I hate those bitches,” said Hidan, smirking right back at Kakuzu. “We have something in common now, don’t we?”

“No,” said Kakuzu, but Hidan didn’t seem to be listening. 

“My Loan Shark friends,” said Hidan, looking for the most expensive drink they had to offer. His eyes set upon the Crown Ambassador Reserve Lager and took it from the highest shelf, next to the lucky cat that was swishing its arm back and forth. “Have a free drink on me.” 

Kakuzu made a move to get up, but Kisame noticed. “Hidan is a great person,” Kisame insisted, pulling Kakuzu back by the collar when he went to leave. He glared at Kisame and decided to stay. 

“Dunno where you heard that from,” Hidan muttered, pulling out two dusty glasses. Looking at Kakuzu’s expression, he scowled. “I ain’t gonna put roofies or whatever the fuck in. This is a holy establishment. I make a great  _ cock _ tail.” 

“Hmm.” Kakuzu nodded towards the lager. He looked away from Hidan, not wanting to look at him for some reason. He felt edgy with his chest burning. 

“...Yeah this is Lager. It’s like eighty dollars a glass but y’know, I only work five hours a week so I don’t care,” he looked at Kakuzu up and down. “No sexy lab coat?” 

“We don’t have to wear lab coats,” Kakuzu pointed out, taking a sip of the lager.  

“You disappoint me.” Hidan took away the glass, swigged it in one go and put the glass behind him into the sanitizer. “Yep. No lager for you.” 

Kakuzu frowned. It was very nice lager. Old fashioned, just like him. Hidan was about to give Kisame his drink when there was a flash of white light behind them, and Kakuzu looked around quickly. 

A young man was standing there, a small camera in his hand, taking fast photos of the group. “What the hell?!” Kakuzu got up, and Kisame looked alarmed. Hidan on the other hand, let out a huff.    
“Seriously? Fuck off,” he said to the offending man, who did not say anything but just kept taking pictures of Hidan. “Man, they are so annoying…” He pulled the lever down on the beer tap, filled it up to the brim, and threw it at the man, who stepped back. “Go  _ away! _ ” 

The man eventually left, soaked in water and beer, and then Kakuzu turned back towards Hidan. “What was that?” 

“Yeah, about that,” Hidan shifted a little, then did a sort of feigned grin. He scratched his nose. “Did I tell you some cults don’t like immortals?” 

TBC


	3. Methylated Spirits

The bar was closing for the night, as it had to stop serving alcohol after two am. Kisame and Itachi left with Sakura and Ino a long time ago, and Deidara when no more alcohol was to be served. Kakuzu was the only one that remained, listening to Hidan rambling about medical things, and correcting him whenever his facts were wrong, which was often. 

Unfortunately, sometime around midnight Hidan started to talk about religion. Normally, Kakuzu would tell the offending person to be quiet, as he was very much an atheist, but he was relaxed in the calm environment. The flute music was making him sleepy. It also helped that Hidan had given Kakuzu several hundred dollars of alcohol for free, as he was a very generous person. 

“...So Jashinism also had a program in America where they go to the dying people who have no family,” he said cheerily to Kakuzu, who was buzzed enough to be interested in what he was saying. “It was the pain of death and dying. Several devotees were blessed with immortality, such as myself, except I’m the only one left.” 

“What do you mean, ‘the only one left?’” 

Hidan had his own glass: a skull with a quartz handle. He measured out his favourite drink: one cup of clear Absolut vodka, half a cup of Jose Cuervo and a drizzle of gin. Possibly one of the most strongest combination of alcohol in existence, Kakuzu thought, until Hidan rummaged around the shelf and pulled out a bottle of methylated spirits. He struggled to get the child safety top off it, until Kakuzu took it and opened it. “Some religions don’t like us. Like that camera guy that came in before. He’s part of one.” 

“Which ones?” 

“All of them. Well, there’s one in particular - Will of Fire - they like to follow me everywhere. I ain’t fucking around but like… it’s like one of those pyramid programs, where they believe some bullshit about your ancestors protecting you, but yeah, there was one here a few nights ago. Took some photos of me then fucked off. I think they’re trying to put a hit out on me again.” 

“What happens if they succeed?” 

“Well, if someone blows up a Jashinist, they’ll be fully conscious with body parts everywhere. Feeling everything.” Hidan took off the lid off the skull and began pouring in the near-toxic spirits. “There are stories from the Middle Ages, when Jashinists were burned to the stake, feeling the pain… but still alive, while the person who burned them dies from first degree burns without even being set on fire. And those Jashinists are still alive today, just a charcoal skull ten feet under. What a shitty fucking existence, right? So I keep a low profile, but I am proud as fuck.” Hidan closed the crystal skull and shook it a few times to mix the drink. He sat back on his bar stool behind the counter and took a giant swig of the lethal concoction.

“Doesn’t seem like a good religion.” 

“I’m the only Jashinist left. The rest have been blown apart and their remains thrown into the sea with concrete, still awake… Aware…” His eyes were watery and voice was emotional. “Just drifting in the endless depths of the fucking water, hanging out with angler fish.” 

“Interesting.” Kakuzu put his glass down, pinkie finger on the smooth wooden coaster, watching Hidan drink out of his skull. 

“You keep saying that, I will definitely lick your face,” Hidan set the crystal skull down, the cold glass pressing against Kakuzu’s fingers as he held his scotch on the rocks. ”When I’m kinda drunk, I lick people’s faces, you know.” 

There was a smirk on Kakuzu’s. “You really are someone different, you know that?” 

_ Please be gay please be gay please be gay,  _ Hidan prayed, hoping Jashin would immediately point his finger at Kakuzu and declare,  _ Today, you are... a Gay _ .’ 

Hidan offered for Kakuzu to try his drink several times, which Kakuzu declined; he didn’t want to get ethanol poisoning. After Hidan had finished off his drink, he looked around, declared he didn’t need to vacuum the red and black carpet before closing up. The money in the register was counted, even though Hidan was drunk enough to count the same notes several times, and drop the coins everywhere. He then jumped over the counter and nearly fell flat on his face when he turned the lights off from behind the bar. 

“Just leave it,” said Kakuzu, blearily blinking at his phone, about to call an Uber, when Hidan leaned over, looking at his apps. He turned away, but Hidan had already seen what he had on his phone. 

“You have the Pink News app,” he declared. “Jashin was right. You’re kinda… pretty fucking gay.” 

“Hmm,” Kakuzu said, putting his flu mask back on. “So?”

Hidan gaped at him.

_ “So? _ My doctor friend,” he said, rolling his eyes, “You should come upstairs.” 

“No,” said Kakuzu. “I need to go home.” 

“No, you don’t, I live upstairs, come on.” Hidan’s nose was nearly pressing against Kakuzu’s flu mask, and very, very slightly, his hips moved forward a little. “Pretty pretty please?” 

Hidan’s hands got closer to Kakuzu’s shoulders, and he whispered into his ear. “You can fuck me real hard.” 

No more playing around. Kakuzu took his mask off again, and Hidan drank in the lines around his mouth, which seem to be covered in some sort of foundation. He went to feel them with his thumb but Kakuzu batted his fingers away, before bending down. His mouth came into contact with Hidan’s--before he jumped away, coughing, as Hidan’s combination of vodka, gin, tequila and methylated spirits came too close for comfort. 

“Ah, shit--” 

Without leaving Kakuzu’s side, Hidan leaned over the counter for water and gargled and spat out. “Mortals and their weaknesses…” Hidan showed his teeth and licked them slowly. 

Kakuzu took a deep breath through the fog of Hidan’s presence, mesmerised by the entirety of him, the premature silver hair to the strange pink eyes. He even liked his cracked teeth--not that cracked teeth were sexy. 

Hidan noticed his gaze, one edge of his mouth curled upwards into a smirk. “Turns out you  _ do  _ like me after all? How sweet.” 

“Hmph.” 

Hidan’s lips opened and jammed his tongue straight into Kakuzu’s mouth, feeling the corners of the scars that Kakuzu kept hidden by his flu mask and makeup. He breathed through his nose as Kakuzu kissed back, large hands wrapping around Hidan’s neck, thumbs jutting into his sharp chin. The middle of Hidan’s back pressed against the bar counter, as Kakuzu moved forward, pushing his knee between Hidan’s legs.

The moment was shattered as the front doors of Red Dawn came crashing down into thousands of tiny shards. Kakuzu could see Hidan’s eyes go wide as he peeked over his shoulder, whispering, ‘ _ Oh fuck’  _ as gunshots blasted through the entire bar and into Kakuzu’s back. 

TBC

 


	4. Cunts R' Us

“You killed my future husband, you prick!” 

The guy with the camera glared, which was on the floor as he got some more bullets out of his bag to shoot more.

Kakuzu groaned and looked up from leaning into Hidan.. “Hidan… take my top off.”

“This is no time to be getting all sexy on me, Kakuzu-” Hidan started to say. 

“No, you fucking idiot.” 

Hidan hesitated, before noticing that there was no blood coming from Kakuzu's back. Ripping the shirt from the tag to the bottom, he leapt back, not quite believing his eyes. 

He thought the doctor had a weird hump on his back - like scoliosis. Which was not sexy but kind of in a ‘ _i-have-a-thing-for-old-men_ ’ kinda way. The monsters in Kakuzu burst from his back; the masks that had haunted Hidan in his dreams; four of them leering at Hidan and the cameraman. Two were as large as the ceiling; the blue mask knocking one of the lamps above and it shattered on the floor. 

“You’re immortal too!?” Hidan gasped. One of the masks, the fat one near his knee, looked at him sadly, and cracked in two. “One of them died.” 

The man with the camera still hadn’t moved from taking the bullets from his bag as he was in shock. When Hidan went over slowly, not caring to side step the shards of glass as he went over, he punched the man in the gut so hard that his ribs cracked. Kakuzu’s back stitched back up, and now Hidan understood the strange marks around Kakuzu’s face. “Is your whole body like this?” 

“Yes.” The threads coming out of his back like seaweed billowing in the sand. Needless to say, Hidan was impressed. 

But then Kakuzu’s wrist and hand detached itself from the arm to throttle the cameraman and Hidan was now kinda freaked out.

“...What the hell are you?”

“I take the hearts of people to live longer,” said Kakuzu, as the cameraman choked and choked and started to slowly go blue. Hidan, initially a bit grossed out by the fact Kakuzu’s arm was several metres away from Kakuzu himself, was now wondering if he now had a choking kink. “Now I will most likely have to find a new identity,” he looked at the mess that was made. No windows, bullet holes everywhere and mask monsters breathing heavily. One of them reached down and put a chair back up, where it had fallen over. 

“No, you don’t have to,” said Hidan. Police sirens were in the distance now, fast approaching the bar. “I’m immortal.” The cameraman had dropped to the floor, out cold. "I always get out of everything." 

“If that is your answer for everything, then one day you won’t be immortal no more,” Kakuzu replied, peering at the cameraman. His back opened, and the monsters that were trying to clean up for them swindled back into masks. Kakuzu found his jumper that was behind the bar and put it back on just in time. 

The police didn’t even talk to Kakuzu or Hidan when they arrived. They simply put police tape around the premises and looked around. 

Hidan pointed at the man on the floor. “He tried to kill us. He’s one of those Will of Fire nutcases.” 

The policeman sighed. “Not again.” He wrote something in his notebook and bent down to open an eyelid. “Hmm. Pupils large. I’d say he was very high on something when he did this.” 

“Yeah,” said Hidan. “Do hugs. Not drugs.” 

“What?” 

“Just a piece of advice,” said Hidan. “If you want me, or my future husband, we’ll be upstairs.” 

***

Kakuzu had to throw Hidan down the stairs as he tried to nibble on his ear (“Does this come off too?”). 

“That was fun,” said Hidan, putting the kettle on to make Kakuzu a cup of coffee. He had a rapidly-healing gash from when his eye socket hit the corner of the first stair. “Let’s do it again.” 

“Do what again?” Kakuzu replied. “You mean get someone else to try and kill you?” 

“Yeah. I’ll piss off the Will of Fire again, it’ll be fun.” 

“Fun?” Kakuzu asked. “ _ Fun _ ?” Hidan’s smile faded a little when he saw that Kakuzu looked pissed, the scars he had covered up with foundation on his lips were moving. “I could have lost my  _ job _ .” 

Hidan shrugged. “But you didn’t.” One of the threads poked out of Kakuzu’s lip, slowly moving around as it tasted the coffee Hidan handed him. It must have been okay because then Kakuzu slowly drank, threads seeping into his mouth and teeth.  _ You look like a fucking Omanyte,  _ Hidan wanted to say, but decided against it.  _ No Pokemon references for my future husband who probably doesn’t know what Pokemon is. _

***

When Hidan and Kakuzu went to bed that night, Kakuzu was putting the last stitches on Hidan’s midriff. During their 4am make out session, Kakuzu had accidentally ripped Hidan in half, making him scream so loudly his eye whites went red; and Deidara came in, stared for a second then slammed the bedroom door, not wanting to know what was going on. “It was an accident,” said Kakuzu, using his teeth to rip the thread in half. One of the masked Monsters was cleaning the carpet, which saved Hidan from doing it himself. “This is why I don’t get into relationships with people.” 

“Because you rip people in half?” 

“No, because I have monsters in my back.” Kakuzu finished up, the threads disappearing into his arm again. “Nobody is like me.” 

“And nobody is like me, either.” Hidan replied, putting his head on Kakuzu’s knee. He tapped his finger a bit, waiting for feeling to return to his body. “Why do you have what you have?” The monster in the red mask hurried past, putting bloodied towels and wipes in the bin. 

“One day I woke up like this,” said Kakuzu. “I remembered  _ why  _ at the start. But then, I couldn’t at all.” He looked out of Hidan’s bedroom window, at the bright red moon. “But ever since, that moon has been red.” 

“I feel like that is the same with me,” said Hidan. “Fucking weird, eh? I’m pretty sure the moon used to be white.” 

Kakuzu shrugged. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m going to bed.” He looked down at Hidan. “But there’s a problem.” 

“There’s no problem,” Hidan pointed out. “My fucking bed fits both of us.” 

“No, it doesn’t,” Kakuzu looked up at his four monsters. “I can’t sleep on my back.” 

The monsters crawled onto the bed, the red one opened it mask and yawned. One by one, they curled up, looking like weird stringy dogs. “Come on.” 

He pulled Hidan up, gave him a peck on the lips, and put him on the bed. “It’s like soft pillows.” He said, as they moved around him to get comfortable. 

“Like you said,” said Kakuzu. “Hugs, not drugs.” 

 


End file.
